The God Memorandum

To You From God;

Take counsel. I hear your cry. It passes through the darkness, filters through the clouds, mingles with starlight, and finds its way to my heart on the path of a sunbeam.
I have anguished over the cry of a hare choked in the noose of a snare, a sparrow tumbled from the nest of its mother, a child thrashing helplessly in a pond, and a son shedding his blood on a cross.
Know that I hear you, also. Be at peace. Be calm. I bring thee relief for your sorrow for I know its cause...and its cure.
You weep for all your childhood dreams that have vanished with the years. You weep for all your self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure. You weep for all your potential that has been bartered for security. You weep for all your individuality that has been trampled by mobs. You weep for all your talent that has been wasted through misuse.
You look upon yourself with disgrace and you turn in terror from the image you see in the pool. Who is this mockery of humanity staring back at you with bloodless eyes of shame? Where is the grace of your manner, the beauty of your figure, the quickness of your movement, the clarity of your mind, the brilliance of your tongue? Who stole your goods. Is the thief's identity known to you, as it is to me?
Once you placed your head in a pillow of grass in your father's field and looked up at a cathedral of clouds and knew that all the gold of Babylon would be yours in time. Once you read from many books and wrote on many tablets, convinced beyond any doubt that all the wisdom of Solomon would be equaled and surpassed by you. And the seasons would flow into years until lo, you would reign supreme in your own garden of Eden.
Dost thou remember who implanted those plans and dreams and seeds of hope within you? You cannot. You have no memory of that moment when first you emerged from your mother's womb and I placed my hand on your soft brow. And the secret I whispered in your small ear when I bestowed my blessings upon you?
Remember our secret? You cannot. The passing years have destroyed your recollection, for they have filled your mind with fear and doubt and anxiety and remorse and hate and there is no room for joyful memories where these beasts habitate.
Weep no more, I am with you...and this moment is the dividing line of your life. All that has gone before is like unto no more than that time you slept within your mother's womb. What is past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.
This day you return from the living dead. This day, like unto Elijah with the widow's son, I stretch myself upon thee three times and you live again. This day, like unto Elisha with the Shunammite's son, I put my mouth upon your mouth and my eyes upon your eyes and my hands upon your hands and your flesh is warm again. This day, like unto Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus, I command you to come forth and you will walk from your cave of doom to begin a new life.
This is your birthday. This is your new date of birth. Your first life, like unto a play of the theatre, was only a rehearsal. This time the curtain is up. This time the world watches and waits to applaud. This time you will not fail.
Light your candles. Share your cake. Pour the wine. You have been reborn. Like a butterfly from its chrysalis you will fly...fly as high as you wish, and neither the wasps nor dragonflies nor mantids of mankind shall obstruct your mission or your search for the true riches of life.
Feel my hand upon thy head. Attend to my wisdom. Let me share with you, again, the secret you heard at your birth and forgot.
You are my greatest miracle.
You are the greatest miracle in the world.
Those were the first words you ever heard. Then you cried. They all cry.
You did not believe me then...and nothing has happened in the intervening years to correct your disbelief. For how could you be a miracle when you consider yourself a failure at the most menial of tasks? How can you be a miracle when you have little confidence in dealing with the most trivial of responsibilities? How can you be a miracle when you are shackled by debt and lie awake in torment over whence will come tomorrow's bread?
Enough. The milk that is spilled is sour. Yet, how many prophets, how many wise men, how many poets, how many artists, how many composers, how many scientists, how many philosophers and messengers have I sent with the word of your divinity, your potential for godliness, and the secrets of achievement? How did you treat them?
Still I love you and I am with you now, through these words, to fulfill the prophet who announced that the Lord shall set his hand again, the second time, to recover the remnant of his people. I have set my hand again. This is the second time. You are my remnant.
It is of no avail to ask, haven't you known, haven't you heard, hasn't it been told to you from the beginning; haven't you understood from the foundations of the earth? You have not known; you have not heard; you have not understood.
You have been told that you are a divinity is disguise, a god playing fool. You have been told that you are a special piece of work, noble in reason, infinite in faculties, express and admirable in form and moving, like an angel in action, like a god in apprehension. You have been told that you are the salt of the earth. You were given the secret even of moving mountains, of performing the impossible.
You believed no one. You burned your map to happiness, you abandoned your claim to peace of mind, you snuffed out the candles that had been placed along your destined path of glory, and then you stumbled, lost and frightened, in the darkness of futility and self-pity, until you fell into a hell of your own creation.
Then you cried and beat your breast and cursed the luck that had befallen you. You refused to accept the consequences of your own petty thoughts and lazy deeds and you searched for a scapegoat on which to blame your failure. How quickly you found one.
You blamed me! You cried that your handicaps, your mediocrity, your lack of opportunity, your failures...were the will of God!
You were wrong! Let us take inventory. Let us, first, call a roll of your handicaps. For how can I ask you to build a new life lest you have the tools?
Are you blind? Does the sun rise and fall without your witness? No. You can see...and the hundred million receptors I have placed in your eyes enable you to enjoy the magic of a leaf, a snowflake, a pond, an eagle, a child, a cloud, a star, a rose, a rainbow... and the look of love. Count one blessing.
Are you deaf? Can a baby laugh or cry without your attention? No. You can hear...and the twenty-four thousand fibers I have built in each of your ears vibrate to the wind in the trees, the tides on the rocks, the majesty of an opera, a robin's plea, children at play...and the words "I love you." Count another blessing.
Are you mute? Do your lips move and bring forth only spittle? No. You can speak...as can no other of my creatures, and your words can calm the angry, uplift the despondent, goad the quitter, cheer the unhappy, warm the lonely, praise the worthy, encourage the defeated, teach the ignorant...and say I love you. Count another blessing.
Are you paralyzed? Does your helpless form despoil the land? No. You can move. You are not a tree condemned to a small plot while the wind and world abuse you. You can stretch and run and dance and work, for within you I have designed five hundred muscles, two hundred bones, and seven miles of nerve fibre all synchronized by me to do your bidding. Count another blessing.
Are you unloved and unloving? Does loneliness engulf you, night and day? No. No more. For now you know love's secret, that to receive love it must be given with no thought of its return. To love for fulfillment, satisfaction, or pride, is no love. Love is a gift on which no return is demanded. Now you know that to love unselfishly is its own reward. And even should love not be returned it is not lost, for love not reciprocated will flow back to you and soften and purify your heart. Count another blessing. Count twice.
Is your heart stricken? Does it leak and strain to maintain your life? No. Your heart is strong. Touch your chest and feel its rhythm, pulsating, hour after hour, day and night, thirty-six million beats each year, year after year, asleep or awake, pumping your blood through more than sixty thousand miles of veins, arteries, and tubing...pumping more than six hundred thousand gallons each year. Man has never created such a machine. Count another blessing.
Are you diseased of skin? Do people turn in horror when you approach? No. Your skin is clear and a marvel of creation, needing only that you tend it with soap and oil and brush and care. In time all steels will tarnish and rust, but not your skin. Eventually the strongest of metals will wear, with use, but not that layer that I have constructed around you. Constantly it renews itself, old cells replaced by new, just as the old you is now being replaced by the new. Count another blessing.
Are your lungs befouled? Does the breath of life struggle to enter your body? No. Your portholes to life support you even in the vilest of environments of your own making, and they labor always to filter life-giving oxygen through six hundred million pockets of folded flesh while they rid your body of gaseous wastes. Count another blessing.
Is your blood poisoned? Is it diluted with water and pus? No. Within your five quarts of blood are twenty-two trillion blood cells and within each cell are millions of molecules and within each molecule is an atom oscillating at more than ten million times each second. Each second, two million of your blood cells die to be replaced by two million more in a resurrection that has continued since your first birth. As it has always been inside, so now it is on your outside. Count another blessing.
Are you feeble of mind? Can you no longer think for yourself? No. Your brain is the most complex structure in the universe. I know. Within its three pounds are fifteen billion nerve cells, more than three times as many cells as there are people on your earth. To help you file away every perception, every sound, every taste, every smell, every action you have experienced since the day of your birth, I have implanted within your cells, more than one thousand billion billion protein molecules. Every incident in your life is there waiting only your recall. And, to assist your brain in the control of your body I have dispersed, throughout your form, four million pain-sensitive structures, five hundred thousand touch detectors, and more than two hundred thousand temperature detectors.
No nation's gold is better protected than you. None of your ancient wonders are greater than you. You are my finest creation. Within you is enough atomic energy to destroy any of the world's great cities...and rebuild it.
Are you poor? Is there no gold or silver in your purse? No. You are rich! Together we have just counted your wealth. Study the list. Count them again. Tally your assets! Why have you betrayed yourself? Why have you cried that all the blessings of humanity were removed from you? Why did you deceive yourself that you were powerless to change your life? Are you without talent, senses, abilities, pleasures, instincts, sensations, and pride? Are you without hope? Why do you cringe in the shadows, a giant defeated, awaiting only sympathetic transport into the welcome void and dampness of hell?
You have so much. Your blessings overflow your cup...and you have been unmindful of them, like a child spoiled in luxury, since I have bestowed them upon you with generosity and regularity. Answer me. Answer yourself. What rich man, old and sick, feeble and helpless, would not exchange all the gold in his vault for the blessings you have treated so lightly?
Know then the first secret to happiness and success, you possess, even now, every blessing necessary to achieve great glory. They are your treasure, your tools with which to build, starting today, the foundation for a new and better life.
Therefore, I say unto you, count your blessings and know that you already are my greatest creation. This is the first law you must obey in order to perform the greatest miracle in the world, the return of your humanity from living death.
And be grateful for your lessons learned in poverty. For he is not poor who has little; only he that desires much...and true security lies not in the things one has but in the things one can do without. Where are the handicaps that produced your failure? They existed only in your mind. Count your blessings.
And the second law is like unto the first. Proclaim your rarity. You had condemned yourself to a potter's field, and there you lay, unable to forgive your own failure, destroying yourself with self-hate, self-incrimination, and revulsion at your crimes against yourself and others.
Are you not perplexed? Do you not wonder why I am able to forgive your failures, your transgressions, your pitiful demeanor...when you cannot forgive yourself? I address you now, for three reasons. You need me. You are not one of a herd heading for destruction in a gray mass of mediocrity. And...you are a great rarity.
Consider a painting by Rembrandt or a bronze by Degas or a violin by Stradivarius or a play by Shakespeare. They have great value for two reasons: their creators were masters and they are few in number. Yet there are more than one of each of these. On that reasoning you are the most valuable treasure on the face of the earth, for you know who created you and there is only one of you.
Never, in all the seventy billion humans who have walked this planet since the beginning of time has there been anyone exactly like you. Never, until the end of time, will there be another such as you.
You have shown no knowledge or appreciation of your uniqueness. Yet, you are the rarest thing in the world.
From your father, in his moment of supreme love, flowed countless seeds of love, more than four hundred million in number. All of them, as they swam within your mother, gave up the ghost and died. All except one! You.


"If you believe,
you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
(Jesus Christ - The Holy Bible: Matthew 21:22)


You alone persevered within the loving warmth of your mother's body, searching for your other half, a single cell from your mother so small that more than two million would be necessary to fill an acorn shell. Yet, despite impossible odds, in that vast ocean of darkness and disaster, you persevered, found that infinitesimal cell, joined with it, and began a knew life. Your life.
You arrived, bringing with you, as does every child, the message that I was not yet discouraged of man. Two cells, now united in a miracle. Two cells, each containing twenty-three chromosomes and within each chromosome hundreds of genes, which would govern every characteristic about you, from the color of your eyes to the charm of your manner to the size of your brain.
With all the combinations at my command, beginning with that singe sperm from your father's four hundred million, through the hundreds of genes in each of the chromosomes from your mother and father, I could have created three hundred thousand billion humans, each different from the other.
But who did I bring forth? You! One of a kind. Rarest of the rare. A priceless treasure, possessed of qualities in mind and speech and movement and appearance and actions as no other who has ever lived, lives or shall live. Why have you valued yourself in pennies when you are worth a king's ransom? Why did you listen to those who demeaned you...and far worse, why did you believe them?
Take counsel. No longer hide your rarity in the dark. Bring it forth. Show the world. Strive not to walk as your brother walks, nor talk as your leader talks, nor labor as do the mediocre. Never do as another. Never imitate. For how do you know that you may not imitate evil; and he who imitates evil always goes beyond the example set, while he who imitates what is good always falls short. Imitate no one. Be yourself. Show your rarity to the world and they will shower you with gold. This then is the second law. Proclaim your rarity. And now you have received two laws. Count your blessings! Proclaim your rarity! You have no handicaps. You are not mediocre.
You nod. You force a smile. You admit your self-deception. What of your next complaint? Opportunity never seeks thee!
Take counsel and it shall come to pass, for now I give you the law of success in every venture. Many centuries ago this law was given to your forefathers from a mountain top. Some heeded the law and lo, their life was filled with the fruit of happiness, accomplishment, gold, and peace of mind. Most listened not, for they sought magic means, devious routes, or waited for the devil called luck to deliver to them the riches of life. They waited in vain...just as you waited, and then they wept, as you wept, blaming their lack of fortune on my will.
The law is simple. Young or old, pauper or king, white or black, male or female...all can use the secret to their advantage; for of all the rules and speeches and scriptures of success and how to attain it, only one method has never failed...whomsoever shall compel ye to go with him one mile...go with him two.
This then is the third law...the secret that will produce riches and acclaim beyond your dreams. Go another mile!
The only certain means of success is to render more and better service than is expected of you, no matter what your task may be. This is a habit followed by all successful people since the beginning of time. Therefore I saith the surest way to doom yourself to mediocrity is to perform only the work for which you are paid.
Think not ye are being cheated if you deliver more than the silver you receive. For there is a pendulum to all life and the sweat you deliver, if not rewarded today, will swing back tomorrow, tenfold. The mediocre never goes another mile, for why should he cheat himself, he thinks. But you are not mediocre. To go another mile is a privilege you must appropriate by your own initiative. You cannot, you must not avoid it. Neglect it, do only as little as the others, and the responsibility for your failure is yours alone.
You can no more render service without receiving just compensation than you can withhold the rendering of it without suffering the loss of reward. Cause and effect, means and ends, seed and fruit, these cannot be separated. The effect already blooms in the cause, the end preexists the means, and the fruit is always in the seed.
Go another mile. Concern yourself not, should you serve an ungrateful master. Serve him more. And instead of him, let it be me who is in your debt, for then you will know that every minute, every stroke of extra service will be repaid. And worry not, should your reward not come soon. For the longer payment is withheld, the better for you...and compound interest on compound interest is the law's greatest benefit.
You cannot command success, you can only deserve it...and now you know the great secret necessary in order to merit its rare reward. Go another mile!
Where is this field from whence you cried there was no opportunity? Look! Look around thee. See, where only yesterday you wallowed on the refuse of self-pity, you now walk tall on a carpet of gold. Nothing has changed...except you, but you are everything.
You are my greatest miracle.
You are the greatest miracle in the world.
And now the laws of happiness and success are three. Count your blessings! Proclaim your rarity! Go another mile!
Be patient with your progress. To count your blessings with gratitude, to proclaim your rarity with pride, to go an extra mile and then another, these acts are not accomplished in the blinking of an eye. Yet, that which you acquire with most difficulty you retain the longest; as those who have earned a fortune are more careful of it than those by whom it was inherited.
And fear not as you enter your new life. Every noble acquisition is attended with its risks. He who fears to encounter the one must not expect to obtain the other. Now you know you are a miracle. And there is no fear in a miracle.
Be proud. You are not the momentary whim of a careless creator experimenting in the laboratory of life. You are not a slave of forces that you cannot comprehend. You are a free manifestation of no force but mine, of no love but mine. You were made with a purpose.
Feel my hand. Hear my words. You need me...and I need you. We have a world to rebuild...and if it requireth a miracle what is that to us? We are both miracles and now we have each other.
Never have I lost faith in you since that day when I first spun you from a giant wave and tossed you helplessly on the sands. As you measure time that was more than five hundred million years ago. There were many models, many shapes, many sizes, before I reached perfection in you more than thirty thousand years ago. I have made no further effort to improve on you in all these years.
For how could one improve on a miracle? You were a marvel to behold and I was pleased. I gave you this world and dominion over it. Then, to enable you to reach your full potential I placed my hand on you, once more, and endowed you with powers unknown to any other creature in the universe, even unto this day.
I gave you the power to think. I gave you the power to love.
I gave you the power to will. I gave you the power to laugh.
I gave you the power to imagine. I gave you the power to create.
I gave you the power to plan. I gave you the power to speak.
I gave you the power to pray.
My pride in you knew no bounds. You were my ultimate creation, my greatest miracle. A complete living being. One who can adjust to any climate, any hardship, any challenge. One who can manage his own destiny without interference from me. One who can translate a sensation or perception, not by instinct, but by thought and deliberation into whatever action is best for himself and all humanity.
Thus we come to the fourth law of success and happiness...for I gave you one more power, a power so great that not even my angels possess it. I gave you...the power to choose.
With this gift I placed you even above my angels...for angels are not free to choose sin. I gave you complete control over your destiny. I told you to determine, for yourself, your own nature in accordance with your own free will. Neither heavenly nor earthly in nature, you were free to fashion yourself in whatever form you preferred. You had the power to choose to degenerate into the lowest forms of life, but you also had the power, out of your soul's judgement, to be reborn into the higher forms, which are divine.
I have never withdrawn your great power, the power to choose.
What have you done with this tremendous force? Look at yourself. Think of the choices you have made in your life and recall, now, those bitter moments when you would fall to your knees if only you had the opportunity to choose again.
What is past is past...and now you know the fourth great law of happiness and success...Use wisely, your power of choice.
Choose to love...rather than hate. Choose to laugh...rather than cry.
Choose to create...rather than destroy.
Choose to persevere...rather than quit.
Choose to praise...rather than gossip.
Choose to heal...rather than wound.
Choose to give...rather than steal.
Choose to act...rather than procrastinate.
Choose to grow...rather than rot. Choose to pray...rather than curse.
Choose to live...rather than die.
Now you know that your misfortunes were not my will, for all power was vested in you, and the accumulation of deeds and thoughts which placed you on the refuse of humanity were your doing, not mine. My gifts of power were too large for your small nature. Now you have grown tall and wise and the fruits of the land will be yours.
You are more than a human being, you are a human becoming. You are capable of great wonders. Your potential is unlimited. Who else, among my creatures, has mastered fire? Who else, among my creatures, has conquered gravity, has pierced the heavens, has conquered disease and pestilence and drought?
Never demean yourself again! Never settle for the crumbs of life! Never hide your talents, from this day hence!
Remember the child who says "when I am a big boy." But what is that? For the big boy says, "when I grow up." And then grown up, he says, "when I am wed." But to be wed, what is that, after all? The thought then changes to "when I retire." And then, retirement comes, and he looks back over the landscape traversed; a cold wind sweeps over it and somehow he has missed it all and it is gone.
Enjoy this day, today...and tomorrow, tomorrow. You have performed the greatest miracle in the world. You have returned from a living death. You will feel self-pity no more and each new day will be a challenge and a joy.
You have been born again..but just as before, you can choose failure and despair or success and happiness. The choice is yours. The choice is exclusively yours. I can only watch, as before...in pride...or sorrow.
Remember, then, the four laws of happiness and success. Count your blessings. Proclaim your rarity. Go another mile. Use wisely your power of choice. And one more, to fulfill the other four. Do all things with love...love for yourself, love for all others, and love for me.
Wipe away your tears. Reach out, grasp my hand, and stand straight. Let me cut the grave cloths that have bound you. This day you have been notified.
You are the greatest miracle in the world.

Felicity

I was hooked up on the TV show felicity way back highschool. For one, the song that u are hearing right now is a personal favorite and its from that show. And a Filipina sang it! Proudly Filipina go! But I always loved the show because during that time I could very well relate to it, it pierced deep and probably until now there is still that part of me who could very much understand how felicity felt. Sigh if only love stories always do have happy endings.

Enough of the mush...here are some of my favorite quotes from the show, they're the best if not the most heartwarming...if not the funniest...and they're my top 10

1. The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.
2. That would have been hard. I mean, how do you tell somebody you're trying to steal their boyfriend?
3. I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I'm convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.
4. I guess I'm learning, little by little, that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happen to us, but it is our reactions that matter.
5. Domestication is the enemy of romance.
6. Noel: And your hair's not so bad.
Felicity: Liar, you hate it.
7. Ben, everybody has to figure out who they are eventually.
8. I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like everytime you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else.
9. Felicity: You know that stuff will kill you.
Noel: Something will. Might as well be cheese spray.
10. Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.

the 90s and the music...sigh...i was so pathetic back then

Back in the 90s, the stars sang songs like this, and rocked our worlds




There were even those who donned songs promoting family planning

take note of the lines..."come a little bit closer baby...get it on...get it on...cause tonight, is the night...when two become one..."



some of my friends even danced to this tune during senior's night in highschool, now all of them are in denial they did it..hehe...



as for us girls, we were forced to don mini skirts and spandex to dance this...
(sigh) she was every girl's idol way back and was every old man's fantasy...hehe...now i really dunno what happened to her...probably she got lost in the lyrics..."and to lose all my senses...that is just so typically me...oops i did it again"


Now, there is less of the weird costumes and hair...and left eye from TLC died in a car accident...



Britney's tabloid material
Lance from NSYNC admitted he's gay

and Beyonce still is rocking on...

so much for the 90s, i wish 2008 would bring about a fit of much memorable divas, personalities, and laughs i could tell my kids later on.

broken

Small Prayers, why they work, and why they sometimes dont

As I was surfing the net and at the same time asking God on what I should do with my life as of the moment (i will be jobless by christmas), I stumbled upon the article at washingtonpost.com with the title "Small Prayers Get Answered". It caught my attention so I decided to read on. It was about a man who had lost a yellow hat for years and prayed to God that his hat be found. The next day he was offered a temporary job at his dentist and while he was about his menial tasks, he saw his hat, all dusty and old above his dentist's cabinet. Surprise! Surprise! But yes, his small prayer got answered.

Inspired by the hat story, I decided to continue on searching the net for just about anything that would be related to prayer. I wanted to look for a prayer to help me find a job immediately after I lost this one. And yes, like that prayer that the man prayed, i prayed that i would find what he (the lord) wants to tell me now considering my situation and the website blogthebible.com got my attention. The title of the blog was "Why Prayers Don't Work" Phew! Twas a complete contradiction of what I read on the previous site with the yellow hat thing. But it got my attention and so I read on, convinced that along those lines, there would be answers.

The site was an interesting read. But what it basically implied was our prayers sometimes do not work because we fear too much, and we trust less. The fact that we lack belief on ourselves and on the power of the divine adds up to it not coming true. If one therefore believed in his heart of hearts that his prayer would come true, it wont just be the Lord working, it would also be the person himself. Then comes the power of positive thinking. A man they say thinketh and so he becomes. Thus, if we desire to be successful, we must act to be one, and continuously believe with the help of the Lord that indeed we could be.

Then it got me into thinking that indeed there was some point to what Dakotta (the blogger's name) was saying. Based from experience, only those that I really really desired and worked hard for became mine. Working hard for something also means that one is affirming the need for it in one's life. That there is a reason big enough that it should be given to you.

Before I read the article, I had doubts regarding what would happen to me afterwards. I am the kind who makes sure everything is in place, I am the kind who makes sure that there are no loopholes in what I do. But there are times when things go out of control. That despite all my valiant efforts to succeed, still something wrong comes to show its angry butt. I realized now, that we could only do so little by ourselves, especially if we have doubt. We must believe that we are given all that we need. That we are capable of making our dreams come true. Only then if we believe that we could would it happen. No setback, trial or failure could get in the way of that if you have the drive.

We must have purpose in our lives. Something that is worth living for. Something that is worth praying and believing for. We could do it on our own, but only until when? Which leads me back to my experience now, I was forced to resign out of a job I like, my dad's sick with a thousand bucks a day of medication, and we (my family) are running out of cash fast. Some would say, phew, you sure are one unlucky person, where's the four leaf clover eh? But as for me, after reading what God has wanted me to realize, I now know I could be who I want to be. I now know we'd make it through what we are going through.

When asked during college that if I were given the chance to ask for one of the seven gifts of the holy spirit what would it be and why.

I smiled. Looked back at the facilitator and said just one word.

Faith.

I know my small prayer had worked. God had answered fast. I just need to believe that I can and he can make my bigger prayer come true.

I just need to have faith.
More and more of it.

Fall for anything by Jeremy Fisher

i just happened to like the lyrics of this song...its so appropriate for what i feel right now...and yes...i have to stand up for something...or i will also fall for anything



Is the world so big it makes you feel small
Is the hole you dig even deep enough at all
The graveyard's full my grandma used to say
If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

Is time worth saving in paper dollar bills
Coz we always just done it don't mean we always will
Is it worth singing along if you have a song to sing
If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

Can one single person make a change if they try
It's true all the martyrs that ever lived already died
Is the road so long we're gonna have to drive
If you don't stand for something you will fall too far behind

Is there meaning in all these words that we say
Is there a reason for living life anyway
Is confusion a state like Iowa or Maine
If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything

Are the waters so rough coz we try to scrub em clean
Do we mean the things we do, do we do the things we mean
When a child is born is it coz she has sinned
If she tries to stand for something will she take the fall for everything

When the day has come and your shadow's lost its light
Will you see in the darkness who was wrong and who was right
Will the devil pay your tab and take you home with him
Coz you either stand for something or you fall for anything

What they could not take away

To someone stumbling accidentally on this blog, he or she would probably think this girl really is all "emo" and sure has the whole world collapsing down her shoulders. I know its what other people would say, because just awhile ago, I was thinking the same thing. Why was the whole world beginning to collapse on me? What did I do wrong?

Life has this weird way of piercing us with needles. It could either bleed blood or feel as though you have gone on one acupuncture session to relieve your pain. But my life has been more of the needles drawing out blood. My cross has gone heavier in the last few days and though I try hard to be strong and to face the world with my chin held high, I could not stop the tears from falling. I could not help it, though I show my strength, I still am weak.

As of now, I know I have yet alot to learn. Which makes this job probationary. Nobody has shown me the ropes, again, I was on my own, little did I know, I was literally that. On my own. No help from other departments by which you have helped, no concern from people who should have been responsible in the first place. The load was placed on my shoulders, and there is no one there to help me carry but myself. Now, I am deciding not because I feel betrayed, hurt, and left behind, I am deciding because I feel there is no use doing something and giving your heart to an institution who does not care about what you have accomplished anyway but only sees the faults. I feel there is no use in me staying as the system could not be changed, not by someone like me that is.

Am just darn thankful that I found out sooner. At least I only invested five months. But I loved my job here. No, it was not that easy, and no the responsibilities are not that simple as well, but what was worst is that you are left to hang in mid-air without any support from the supposedly people who would support you. It has been hard and I did not expect this to happen. I do not care anymore if the owner said that because he was mad, but the fact that he said it and he shouted it means only one thing. They do not need me here and that I am as indispensible as a room service waiter who had really done something wrong. No, they did not see that their own system has its loopholes. They did not see that the previous one who handled this position did little to change it, even did little to monitor it. All they saw were a few minor details that was not even under my responsibility in the first place. Which is why I decided I had to leave. I had cried enough tears, but I would still hold my head high because though they pay me, they do not own me. I still have my own rights and I am willing to stick to it.

I was surprised upon hearing awhile ago that he has plans of terminating me. He does not even know the whole picture yet he does not even ask for my own reason behind such matter. I was at the other property conducting a food safety seminar and he wanted me out just because he saw some leaking faucets here while I was not around. Do I have to repair the faucets myself? Is it not another department's job? Why then do I have to be blamed for something I do not even handle?

I believe life though its needles sometimes draws blood, will also always be a wheel turning on its own. It would never be the same all the time. Today he holds power, one day, that same power would be the cause of his own downfall. I will not be defeated, nor will I grovel for something that possibly should not have been mine. I will not beg that they keep me in this job. Come Monday, they will see that resignation letter on the office and it will be my time to prove myself. It is not my loss. I know, because only few would fall for this job at such a low pay. My pride is not even worth the salary I receive. Why then think its a complete waste?

The Lord would never leave me. I know he's beside me right now listening to what I am saying. They could take away my job but they could never take away what I have earned on my own. They could never take away my own self respect.

Someday, I will rise on my own two feet and prove them wrong. They could not take that away from me. I will focus on what they could not take, and by the time I am healed, I will be stronger, better and definitely on top of life's little wheel.

Bridges of Madison Country

a note posted on wood
saying dinner is at six
she's waiting

a camera on one old pick up
named Harry
a covered bridge shot
sunset mixed with light
orange
red
white
anticipation

dust left on gravel
dinner on the table
a pink dress cut up to the hem
slow tango played
by an accordion
as she danced
he danced
beside yellow formica tables
and candlelight

the feel
of skin on skin
as they danced
hands on her hips
hers on his shoulders

then the tango ended
as the leopard
made her feel
caressed
loved
treasured
more
than what she
had felt
after years
monotonous
marriage

a phone rang
he's coming back
her spouse

then the tango ended
the leopard left
only
footprints
a Nikon camera
pictures
and memories
on a walnut box
as what started from a note
could never be
ever shared

but still the pictures
the memories
the bridges
were in her mind

like the
covered bridges
of madison county
like the medallion
etched with her name
that he wore
like the ashes
that were scattered
over the wind
hers
and his...

at last they were
together
with the only
thing
she had
left

food...water...anyone?

This is one more reason why we have to thank God for the food that we can have easily. But in the otherhand....ironicaly, we still waste the food that we buy. I feel very GRATEFUL for what I have today....... We are so Blessed for the wonderful works of God's hand in our life today, just think of this .............. "I felt very fortunate to live in this part of the world. I promise I will never waste my food no matter how bad it can taste and how full I may be. I promise not to waste water. I pray that this little boy be alleviated from his suffering. I pray that we will be more sensitive towards the suffering in the world around us and not be blinded by our own selfish nature and interests. I hope this picture will always serve as a reminder to us about how fortunate we are and that we must never ever take things for granted. Think & look at this...when you complain about your food and the food we waste daily..." MAY ALL HUMAN BEINGS BE FREE FROM SUFFERING!!!! Please don't break this, keep on forwarding it to all our friends. On this good day, let's make a prayer for the suffering in any place around the globe and send this friendly reminder to others.

INK

I struggled to write words that make sense
As if seeing them make sense
Could actually lessen this emptiness
That vague recollection
of what I had been
and what I should be

My pen scribbles up and down
A rollercoaster on a 0.4 tip
blank ink oozing
But do I know who I am?
Why I write? Why I speak?
No.

Yes.
I read their works.
Those with the fancy wordings and intricate plots
Those who tell about life
the truth
and the fairy dust.
Those with certificates and medals
proclaiming them best.

Best.
They say they did not plan it to be
Their offices were either chrome or steel
or just plain
birds chirping
leaves dancing
to the tune of the wind.
But they wrote. They had thoughts.
Inscribed by ink on paper.
Like me.
Now,
they just happened to be lucky.

Luck.
Once in a while, I think it has gone off far.
Traversing its own way
to leave me alone
gaping dumb
my sorry ass
hoping for it to land
on my palms
like the butterfly with the blue wings
early this morning.

Morning.
My clock says its way past one.
I hear its tick-tock.
A monotonous rhythm.
A reminder that I should close my lids to snuggle
Beneath flowery blankets with edges
mistaken for cheese
by mice.

Mice.
They scurried around my room.
Noses sniffing scents of likely and unlikely aroma
like my feet
after a day's work.
Geniuses with brains the size of my fingernail
outwitting the human ingenuity
of metal and wood
known as traps.

Traps.
Lay in every corner of the mass
of gray and white
matter, science called
a brain.
But words elude them
like mice
munching on my blankets
outwitting my traps
so like my thoughts
and words
that make no sense.

Sense.
I feel less empty now...thoughts start to empty out now
Up
Down
Up
Down
A rollercoaster on a 0.4 tip
Blank ink oozing
oozing
until ink
ran
dry

Over

The sun's rays shone
through paned window sills with
specks of dust and bird droppings
left during the evenings
My bed lay unruly,
pillows
lay
on the floor
discarded
like the alarm that buzzed on
my ear earlier.
My eyes adjusted to the sight
barely making out colors
that danced
in between the sun's rays
as if beckoning me to come
come
come
nearer
nearer
to the edge
and fall
quietly with all the fears
that had been
bottled up
since birth.
Then
the colors scattered
my eyes saw black
and all I heard
were your
screams
Wake up!
Wake
up
but I
fell
down
down
until your voice
was drowned out
from my screams
like
the day
you
said
what is between
u and me
is over...

like i've found one decent man on irc

it all starts with a "hi" or a "hello", and talking to an entirely unknown stranger would begin. today i talked to around 15 of them, and in the middle of conversations the issue of sex would usually be asked...turns out talking or chatting for some people is entirely about imagining yourself getting horny. don't get me wrong, probably some people just really do have needs they could not satisfy physically so they use the keyboard instead... (kidding). but with the entire hour of talking to people from different parts of the globe, i was really surprised to have stumbled on one who really was interesting to talk to.

based on the first paragraph one would think that person i found interesting would probably have talked about stuff other than sex. wrong. that was what we were talking about. but not the physical online sex that is. we talked about the aspect of being with another person, relationships and why men are different from women. and the whole Men are Mars, Women are from Venus kinda stuff. and come to think of it, there really is alot more to men and women that i just realized.

he was really this sensitive guy who had lots of questions only someone of the opposite sex could answer or perhaps clarify. like, if one night stands make a girl feel really bad...or does he have to say sorry or something if he doesnt impress a girl...or is it way much better if he stop fooling around and be serious for a change...and the answers are all up to him anyway. i told him that if it was clear in the first place for both him and the girl that it was just a one night stand then he has nothing to be guilty about. That if the girl feels bad, then she is not mature enough to have agreed on it in the first place. Don't get me wrong, am not that liberated, its just that if u both agreed beforehand then whats the drama about? With regards to the fooling around, I told him it would all be entirely up to him. Fooling around could be fun for some but when ur fooling around with the wrong individuals it could get pretty nasty and end up in spats and disagreements. When one decides to be serious about what he or she wants for a change, I believe then one has probably found what it is that he or she is looking for. Fooling around would then be just for kids.

Then again it all comes down to one thing. Our lives are determined by our decisions and our actions. No, we could not rewind it back, i say to him, but we could learn from whatever it is we've done wrong. One night stands and relationships all have something to do with those decisions, I may be telling him how I feel about such, but then again the decision would be up to him. Whew! I sounded really serious back there.

He was quiet then for awhile then asked me something.
Would i do it with him online?
Phew!

Did i find one decent man on irc?
hmmmm....

u be the judge.

Frogs on Anniversaries

Dos cervezas" he tells the woman on the counter.

The regular or the special, Senor?

The special...

Your eyes followed his gaze, towards the waitress who just took your orders. You smiled. He did too. He then cupped your face in his hand while brushing a strand of hair on your cheek, tracing the outline of your lips feeling the softness that lay there. You breathed heavily, and he drew you nearer into him, his smell a mixture of musk and soap. You slapped him playfully, but he continued still, until his lips graced your ear in a whisper to say...

Happy Anniversary Love...
Your body shivered as his lips found yours.

Here are your drinks Senor...

Slowly you moved away, smiled and looked down at the glass filled with wine. Had he forced you, it would have been simple for you to run away. But he didn't. It was your choice, and a year had gone since it had been.

Hey, are you all right?

You remained silent as your eyes glanced upon a man dining two tables away. You knew him...from a past you wanted to forget. His gaze met yours and you lowered your head.
If only the heart could be taught of whom to love then I guess you'd be less of a liar at this point. But then most of the time it has a will of its own. Despite any amount of reason, it closes its doors to the obvious and yearns for the impossible.

Yes, the impossible.
There have been countless times when you sat pathetic, hoping that the man who sat two tables away from you would look your way as much as your boyfriend is hoping you'd look into his.

Do you love me?
His words broke into your reverie. Holding your hands in his, his fingers ran along your skin. He thought he sensed fear.

Yes, I...I...love you...
the words were faint, almost a whisper.

But he heard it and relaxed.

Its not that you don't love your boyfriend. he was someone who was always there when the other person wasn't. You were a fragile beauty he marked "special" ever since you met. In a year's time has made you feel less of a child and more of woman, a woman basking in attention and love. He is the epitome of someone who would sweep you off yor feet and into his arms.
The "other person" , on the other hand remains as distant and as mysterious as he always was. His eyes, a deep valley of questions never to be answered. But then he has made you feel special once. You floated high above the clouds. It was as if everything was real. And just when you were feeling so high, he burst your balloon and left you to fall back to earth.

Yes, he sent you to the dumps.
Your boyfriend's a prince.
The other one is a frog.
You lifted the glass to your lips, savored the liquids taste.

Then you stopped...paused...and thought...
if you had kissed the frog...

Would he have been your prince?

Nah!

Somewhere but here

sweat trickles down
my back
like icicles melting
to succumb
to the force of
the earth that pulls
pulls
pulls it down
its core
only to become
nothing more
like water
absorbed
into dry land
to replenish
the thirst
momentarily
but never forever
but as sweat trickles down
i writhe
in the thought
that i could be anywhere
but here
in this four cornered room
thinking of
you
your life
that you've moved on with
into
somewhere
anywhere
but here...

On the edge of nowhere

How can one say that everything is through?
That life has concluded and its time to fall down on your knees to wish that what lies beyond this earth would be more pleasing.
Everyone, yes everyone has to go through this life with a heavy load on the back. Probably its the way this world works, or probably because we allow ourselves to be burdened too much by the fast paced lifestyles we have that we think so. But then the reality is, we all have troubles, we all have doubts, and nobody is perfect.
Perfection. Some would probably define it as seeing those faces on billboards, not a line on their foreheads, teeth all white, or perhaps a new pair of shoes, a gleaming new car or a beauty contestant answering World Peace.
We fail to realize that those faces that we see may just be beauty without attitude, those shoes may have killed a factory worker while it is being done, that car could have automotive defects, and the beauty contestant may just be answering World Peace not because she wants to but because it will give her the crown she's been dreaming on her head since birth.
The bottom line is,
nobody is perfect.
and sooner or later we all find ourselves near the edge.
or much worse,
on the edge
of nowhere.
Well wouldn't? Everybody has problems right?
Then again, we could stop ourselves from being on that edge.
If we accept that life with its own imperfections and scars could prove evidence of how we had lived to survive the years that had passed, then we would be a step off that edge.
If we try to act earlier instead of getting ourselves deep down with nothing to hold on to then we wouldn't be as confused and as out of direction as most of us are in right now.
I have my own share of falling into that nowhere, and its no piece of cake getting out. We fall because of our decisions, of our deeds. But then the past would always seem farther every second and if you look too far at it,it would probably just take you in with it.
I guess, we just have to believe we can get out in whatever problem it is we are in right now.
Yes, it all starts with believing.
Then nothing would be impossible.
And probably, yes probably, we'd find ourselves more on top with success in our hands than
falling
out
on the
edge of nowhere

no comment

a question asked

an answer kept

a curiousity intwined

to the smile you meant

but when it comes down

to questions deeper than this

you'd probably keep quiet

try to think before you miss

miss the hidden meaning

beside every word

miss the query inside

try acting like a nerd

and the only answer would be

a simple word or two

a no comment would suffice

believe me its true

they'd ask still

but then it would die down

unlike if you answer

and act like one clown

then it would come down

to phrases just like this
just like this
just like this

...
no comment