Sunday, June 26, 2011

random thoughts at 3pm

she looked through the white light on the screen as if it indicated that there was nothing wrong with her, that her memory was not failing her somehow, that life as she knows it ought to return to its normal pace as soon as she starts thinking positively. but it didn't and she stared blankly at the screen while it ate up her thoughts like a lion devouring a deer for dinner.

there was nothing wrong with trying to do good right? but if that is what had gotten her in trouble in the first place, it would probably be much better for her to just leave those goody two shoes at home and mind her own business. yes, it would be much better that way. the isolation would serve her best, the solitary thoughts would just go pit pat on that white screen, nobody would judge nor would anybody interfere, here she was right, here there was nobody to think otherwise.

she tried to keep her eyes open, had to finish a report that was due tomorrow and that would otherwise be her vindication if ever there was such a term. but the words struggled to make sense, she barely knew what she was writing. then she heard it. a whirr like that of a fan, going round and round, then a siren wailing from the distance awakened her from her thoughts. she looked around, her eyes growing accustomed to the dark and the white stark of reality that lay before her. her head throbbed with pain, and she felt her knees begin to cramp, but the thoughts kept coming out. like vermin, it crept out of her brain and there was no way to stop it now.and so she kept on with the pit pat, and so she kept on writing, until her eyes stopped, paused, closed, then opened once again, then the pain stopped and then there was blackness, and light and then freedom as the white light on the screen slowly, slowly, slowly faded and turned into colors so bright, she had to shield her eyes from it.

here she was, back to where it all began. back to when she had to bang her head on the wall just because of a grade, here she was back in bed in her pajamas while she hugged a green bear that sang a midnight lullaby, here she was back when there was only innocence, and stationaries with pink kittens and imaginary friends who accompanied her when she was scared, here she was with a missing tooth and a promise of ice cream after a visit to the dentist, here she was and she felt loved. then she blinked, and again the blackness returned.

there was the screen again, there were her thoughts again. gone were the pajamas, gone was the bear. all that was left was a feeling of emptiness despite everything that she had, tears slowly fell down her face, as she looked at the bed she had made and the room that she lived, there was nobody now, there were no more hugs, no more bears, no more stationaries, just a paycheck with numbers that defined what she had become, just emptiness, then there was black, and a small sound as she struggled to breath, her chest heaved up and down, her eyes began to cloud, then just as she thought the blackness would swallow her whole, a small beam of light began to show. She squinted her eyes, and then she saw those open arms, welcoming her home, hugging her tight, and telling her, My child, everything's going to be all right, sleep tight now, tomorrow's going to be a new day...

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